(via trinityroses)

Alright, I’m going type this up because I’m certain that I’ll wish to remember this to the smallest detail :)
So I always knew I was born with a condition called hydrocephalus( it’s when a surplus of liquids is produced within various parts of the brain, therefore the patient may have all sorts of disabilities depending on where the surplus is, in my case, all of my body functions are at risk, the intellect is safe though, yay)
For 19 years it seemed like everything is in the past for most people, though not for me, the small disabilities I had, such as absence of good balance , slowness, unreadable handwriting and overall clumsiness no matter how much I exercised always haunted me. Around last Christmas, due to my hobby related to spinny computer chairs, I managed to awaken a cyst that is pretty much in the very center of the cerebellum where all the functions of the brain come together. (Should I tell my doctor  know how I awoke the cyst? He would punch me in the face). All began as a bump on the back of my neck as I spun round in the mids of adrenaline floods( since I get unexplainable boosts of adrenaline i had to find a way how to cool off and the spinny chair in my room was perfect) and an absence of balance began to emerge. Around summer time, the bump didn’t look so attractive therefore I decided to straighten it out by lieing on my sofa in a certain position. The episodes of dizziness and the chronic migraines   migraines followed. When I could not kill the migraines by using medicine, we decided to call the neurosurgeon that operated on me when I was a baby. He was not planing to keep me long only two or three days for a few tests, but obviously the MRI showed something the doctor was not expecting which is a cyst in the very center of the cerebellum where all the brain functions come together. I did not think much of the surgery at all I thought that is I had survived a shunt implantation surgery as a baby, why should I survive it now that I’m 19 years older and am obviously stronger, but we were soon informed that a different surgery would be done which is much more dangerous, but much more appropriate in this case. The neurosurgeon said: it is not a surgery that is done everyday, it is not a surgery that should be done on a Monday or a Friday, it’s a Wednesday thing. He was obviously scared out of his pants just like my mom and I were when he told us the prognosis for possible complications: death or infusion of blood into the brain or remaining autistic or a live corpse. So I now had a choice between death or the chance I could die during the operation…you can imagine how my mom and I were….my mom started having heart problems as for the doctors heart…the beat is out of wack..to be honest, I feel guilty..I always feared influencing someone negatively and it seems that I did just that….the flowers I gave mom is nothing compared to what she did for me…
I had to spend a month in rehabilitation in Sventoji…at first it was great: messages, flowers, paintings, the sea and professional interior design, thuogh two weeks later it seemed like a prison i could not get out of. After surgery I had to learn, how to eat, sit up, walk, wash up, ect. all over again. At one point had two unusable arms…how fun. I could not count the needles that were that I got poked by…and how much blood was drawn out of my body. I managed to have a few nightmares about the whole situation. 
But no really..it was fun….
Alright now about Algirdas Danelius :D My neurosurgeon. My hero. 
I probably have the most awsome neurosurgeon in this entire world. He did tell me that a patient can only be treated for 12 days because otherwise attachment appears. Well I stayed for over a month and found out that not only does the doctor can get attached to the patient, but the patient too may get so attached to one’s doctor that they may wish to get themselves hospitalized again just so they could be around the doctor again. Damn, why do people that annoy the hell out of you, stick to you like a wet leaf onto your butt, though those that shine like a sun through all the dung in your life„,never stay..are always far away or never close enough….I miss him, I wish I could talk to him again, be within his presence. I’m going for an MRI before the new years, but the conversation will be official…non personal, not like the ones we had when I started having all sorts of fears after the surgery. A psychiatrist was not able to help me as much as he could. 
I think myself mad, but I have gone as far as to wish he was my father. He had said that it felt like operating on his own child and interestingly enough, before the surgery I was told that Danelius may not be able to perform the surgery due to heart problems therefore I may be sent to Vilnius to another surgeon, in response to that my thought were “WHAT??? Some stranger is going to dig through my brain?!!! NO WAY!!! There be a connection between us even before the 12 day limit no? I think so.
Since I’ve already declared myself mad I’m going to say a few more things:
I miss him like hell.

You can’t imagine how thrilled I was when I found him on facebook When the system could not find him, I felt like I’ve lost a boyfriend.

And lastly, I am not a freak it’s only strange that I felt that way I certainly do not tend to fall for men that age(56). The love I have for him has been built out of profound appreciation, respect( there is no bigger authority in my life), and when you add attachment…you get love I suppose. I wonder what form that is?

I’m sure that once I’ll read this post a few days later, the things that go on in my head will freak me out, but….here we go….

Today apears to be one of those days that I feel uncontrolably nostalgic and I can’t help, but feel that my life is just a bunch of bullshit with a few rayes of sunshine to  break thruogh the dung… life is suppose always go forward with something new always comming along to later create yet new memories to back on…..all I wish to do is turn back time….so many friendships are back there…Belgium is back there, poetry along with so many other undieing passions are back there, Nico is back there(I’m insane…), me knowing what I want out of life is back there….what about now? I am bored out of my mind, having no idea what the hell I want, am lonely, not excited about a single thing, because of my oceanic head I have realized my limits and no longer feel that I can do just anything, that there are limitation to who I can be or do…it makes me feel like I have been nailed to the ground to waste time for the next few decades….even when I look through old photos or conversations I look at something that only used to be, something that is no more. I even feel that I have abandoned everything that used to define me, I feel like a ghost…absolutely powerless….everything that I do feels meaningless and probably is meaningless…

I wish I could turn back time and have something to look forward to once again…

Many people around me kept talking about the movie The Notebook so today I decided to see what the deal is. At first it was a nuisance because i do not believe that love comes around this easily or quickly. Then, it was just boring and nothing new. In the end…as few movies make me cry, this one did. Even though it was just a movie that woman has someone beside her even when she was old and seemingly had Alzheimer’s …she, despite all the differences, the mother, and sickness well still together, they even died while laying next to each other. All I have ever had is people coming in and out of my life or being able to relate to one or two people therefore growing tired and choosing solitude. It’s just a movie, but it captured that what I wish for….

I personally think that this is amazing. This is quite like Postsecret, but instead of sending your secret on a postcard, you get to send a random postcard to a random person in the world from as many as 204 countries. I’m sure the project will spread as it should. I already sent my first postcard!!!! :D Being a cosmopolitan that I am, I think that this is a brilliant way of connecting people around the world.

I really wish to wake up one morning completely healthy….I’m quite tired of being sick. I didn’t used to notice the short commings of my social, physical and mental health before…but they have become so incredibly vivid. The way your life is and the way you are is suppose to be your choice. Well…I did not choose to be born into this medically messed up body and mind.

(via quote-book)

Tell me would you kill, to prove you’re right? No matter how many deaths I die, I will never forget, no matter how many lives I live, I will never regret…there is a fire inside of the heart that is about to explode into flame. Where is your God?

Damn it I am so not looking forward to the dorm change. From the materialistic side, yes it will be a hundred times better, we will no longer have to live in dorm rooms that look like concentration camp’s hospital, but damn it, I so want to keep my current roommates. How wonderful it has been….living with such positive, humorous girls has been like a bliss to me. Others may think that it is nothing, but as I know what depression is, what social oppresion is, living with such dogmatic people as my dad and such comming accross such is a divine gift to me. They are not my soulmates, not my best friends, but they have freed me of sadness or any kind of mesochism…well okay I do stilll find life to be dificult, I am still that odd unhealthy girl that I have always been, but once I’m in the dorm, life does not feel so heavy. We have our own inside jokes and our crazy momnets where we look up what the roe sleeps with …the deer or the reindeer in the north…we decided it sleeps with the deer when it gets too cold in the north. Once we’ll move into the new dorm they’ll going to regroup us according to our GPA as if it determines personality and as if we are not grown adults who can choose roommates themselves. What if once again I’ll get to live with some psycho russians that will cause me to have psychological problems again? With my current room situation I’ve realized how unesisarily dogmatic and angry as well as intolerant of one another people are…seriuosly….all of my fears have disapeared, I’m not afraid to act like I want to or say what I want to, I face no discrimination…..